as i write this it’s between 6:12 and 6:25 in the morning. and im still awake. and i was yesterday. and day before that. and day bef... i think you get it. at this point sleep deprivation is my second name. and not even for any particular reason at all, it just happened, and i hate it. because im trading sleep for literally nothing. i spent hours on social media, mainly youtube, and a bit on discord. the worst thing is that i don’t even remember what have i watched, what happened in those videos. so i essentially literally wasted time. precious hours of my life that ill never get back. and that wasn’t just today. it was multiple nights in the row...

but losing sleep is not the worst thing, it’s losing my day too. also, the previous few days i watched a lot of youtube, and i also don’t remember anything. i feel like my life is slipping, without me ever living. it’s sad, really. and because of youtube i forget to play games, and to actually have fun. and this has been happening on and off since i was a child. i lost so many literal years on nothingness, and i dont even know how to stop. and even if i “block” youtube, since i control my own network, i’m just gonna unblock it again everytime i feel the urge to watch something.

i dunno i feel so lost sometimes. im in my late twenties, yet i haven’t experienced my life at all. not the teens, not the early twenties. it all feels like a blur and i dont feel like i lived at all through that time. for losing my teens, i can only blame myself, i was a dumb child. for losing my twenties, i honestly blame covid. maybe im overreacting a bit but i feel like id be at different place in life if it wasn’t for the pandemic. but yet again, i also miss that time. covid time was so carefree for me. it was an unique era to live through as someone as chronically online as i was, and still am. but alas, i really think i should sleep.